Well, it has finally arrived!
This is my 50th and final night here in the health clinic for mental health.
When I checked in on Wednesday 10th May, I honestly didn't know what to expect.
Was I finally going to get some of my medication issues under control?
Was I finally going to get the chance to rest and decompress from the stressors that were threatening to overwhelm me?
Was I finally going to get some traction on my life instead of allowing it to spiral out of control?
Little was I to realise that these 50 days would show me more than I cared to admit. I came in as someone who knew that he had a lot of issues in his personal life; someone who is on the Autism Spectrum and has ADHD; someone who has been dealing with depression and anxiety for a long time; someone who thought he had some idea what would happen when he finally left and someone who needed to get his medication under control.
I leave...well....it's really hard to explain how I leave and I suspect it's going to take a few days for this experience to sink in.
My medication has gotten under some sort of control having successfully gotten off one and put onto another while another medication has had its dose doubled. This is a TICK!
In terms of rest, well, I certainly got some sort of rest but there were still more than enough stressors that threatened to and at some time managed to overwhelm me. - the realisation that I have managed to blow up my life finally sinking in hurt the most - the realisation that I have been trying to hide and ignore my issues for a long time - the realisation that I am nowhere near ready for my life to change in the way it's about to - the realisation that while there are some mitigating circumstances, the reality is, I was the one the messed everything up; I was the one who made the decisions I did and while I made those decisions with the best of intentions, they have backfired dramatically
I also leave with this new blog where I can get all the stuff out of my head that I don't want there and hopefully some new readers over time.
So what have I learned over the last 50 days? The truth is, I have completely lost my way. The truth is that I am struggling to work out who I am, what I stand for and what I want to do with my life and where I want it to go.
The other inescapable truth is that no matter what I do, anxiety and depression are always going to play a part in my life. It is never going to be fully about eradicating those mental health conditions but managing them.
I am also going to have to go back and learn a lot more about Autism and about ADHD, work out how they impact my life and figure out what this means going forward.
While this does sound like I've gone backwards over the last 50 days, the honest truth is that this in a twisted way is actually a step forward for me. I am finally able to look at the hard truth of where things are at. I am no longer hiding from the truth of where I'm at, where things are at and how I have managed to turn things from promising to an absolute mess with no direction or clue what comes next.
As I leave this health clinic tomorrow, I am heading back out into a world of uncertainty and not knowing what happens next. I hope with my heart of heart that this experience will be a positive turning point however time will tell. It's going to be a very emotional day tomorrow but I'll still be standing at the end of it all.
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