It has been a quiet last few days in terms of blogging due to the fact that last week I had to travel up to Albury to farewell my beloved grandfather. His death, coming at the time it did, really has made settling in quite challenging and as a consequence adjusting to life outside the health clinic has been more challenging than I expected.
In terms of the funeral, it was more of a celebration of a man who travelled everywhere and did a lot of things but not only that, a celebration of love; how he loved and supported everyone in the family, from his wife to his 2 sons, to the grandkids and the great-grandkids. He was always so encouraging of all of us and listening to the stories really just put things into perspective. While it was a celebration, it was also a very sad occasion and the stress of it absolutely took a mental toll on me.
Even though we were there to celebrate a life lived, I also couldn't help but reflect on where I was and how my life had turned into an absolute mess. Seeing my cousins also made that harder too as they were all happy and successful, no matter the stressors in their lives.
Even more irritating was the fact that my mind started wandering at various stages during the day to that damn exercise that psychologists like to make people do "If you were looking down at your own funeral, what would people say about you? What would they say about the life you lived, the life you led, the sort of person you were etc?
Thinking about that absolutely hurt me more than I care to admit because I realised that I had gone from someone who actually had a lot going to someone who's basically lost the lot with more pain to come I suspect. I had no credible answer when I thought about it on that day but I don't think much would be said at this moment in time.
It's been hard to get a gauge on where my mental health is currently at. Stress and grief have made this period very challenging so it's hard to know how I'm tracking, or whether my medications are working but I do know that I have had some very up-and-down moments.
The previous Saturday evening carrying over into Sunday (where I saw some extended family for the first time in a long time) was the first instance of struggle where I just felt "off," like something was wrong. I don't know whether that was all in my head or not but going to see extended family, I just wasn't feeling it. I was spoken to a couple of times but it was hard to give honest answers without disclosing too much about what was happening. Of course, that evening, Fremantle proceeded to lose to Carlton by 53 points.
The day after the funeral I traveled back to Melbourne for the Matildas game against France and I enjoyed the game. I got excited when we scored, a little frustrated when we butchered some plays and after the game, I took a trip back through time going somewhere new that replaced a place which I have a lot of memories of. Reflecting on those times and the funeral was a real challenge.
2 days ago, I watched my first Fremantle game in 10 weeks and honestly, it was just pointless. I fell back into old patterns of yelling abuse at the TV and complaining that we were being dudded by the umpires. I don't use that as an excuse for our 46-point loss at all more choosing to focus on the debacle that was a 10-goal to 2 second quarter followed in quick succession by 2 knee injuries to our main ruckman and a half-back flanker. Honestly, to sum up, that game, the only word I'd use was Dockery. That said I then hit the wall Saturday evening and it was just like things had caught up with me and I just felt in the dumps, similar to the previous Saturday.
On the upside, I am trying to eat better and there's a lot less takeaway which has helped. I'm equally trying to make an effort to get out for a walk on some days. Pre-funeral, I was barely doing it but post-funeral, I've been out 2 days in a row for a walk and a chance to just take everything in. Right now I am looking forward to the Women's Soccer World Cup and with tickets to 5 matches plus the intention to watch a few matches on TV, these next few weeks will be good in a sporting sense for me. In terms of a mental health standpoint, it's hard to say whether this will help or hinder my recovery but hopefully a few things can start rolling my way so I can rebuild.
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