NOTE: This post will contain topics that are potentially uncomfortable and share things that are personal about me. It is the 18th of June 2023 and it has been 39 days since I was admitted to a Private Health Clinic for Mental Health Reasons.
How the hell did things get to this point?
Was it the Autism Diagnosis at 3 years of age? The subsequent rediagnosis at 12 years of age? The recent Autism Diagnosis that has me at Level 3 and basically facing a complete redesign of my life? The ADHD diagnosis last year at 32 years of age? The 9 years of medication that I've been on for depression and anxiety? The breakdown at the football that led to me being given a drug to calm down? The 1st hospitalisation in August/September 2022? The stress and strain of lockdowns during 2020/21 and the anger I displayed?
I could go on all day but you get the drift.
There are many diagnoses and questions about how things got to this point but let's go back briefly to what I suppose could be seen as a happier time.
It was Thursday 13th of April and I was on a flight to Adelaide to partake in Gather Round. I had decided to watch my beloved Fremantle Dockers play and also secured a ticket to the doubleheader on Sunday. The Saturday I had booked myself a spot on a bus tour that went through the Adelaide Hills and took us to Hahndorf. I felt free of stress and anxiety but was I really free?
Amongst all that, I spent Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights out at bars though due to an amateur travel mishap (forgetting ID), I had to be very strategic with where I went and what time I got in. Those 3 nights out were an absolute joy and a brief reminder of what once was and while I didn't know a single person, those 3 nights, it didn't actually bother me.
Flying back to Melbourne, I felt actually pretty good but before I knew it, it was back to reality for me. There are things that I don't like to speak about but it was a return to stressors that I had struggled to cope with for a long time.
Thursday the 20th of April was confirmation that things were about to change very rapidly. It was decided to change my medication and through conversations with my wife, it was abundantly clear that these changes had to take place elsewhere. Google was my friend and a little luck held my way and through that time, I became increasingly despondent and despairing. There was a tunnel and the only place it led was to a health clinic so I could change my medication under proper supervision. Work - the one thing I was consistently good at was going to stop and I was going to miss out on attending some football matches that I wanted to go to.
In life, we make sacrifices every day but for someone with Autism/ADHD and the co-morbidities of Depression and Anxiety, these sacrifices destroyed me. They hurt as I planned to take the plunge into the unknown and I was fearful of what was to come knowing I would be away from my wife and my cat who I both love dearly.
Wednesday 10th May came around and I was in an Uber off to a health clinic where I had no idea what I was in for.
These last 39 days have been unbelievably hard. If it wasn't hard enough having my body battered with constant changes in medication and doses of medication, then the group sessions were showing me a lot and in some cases leaving me with more questions than answers.
I have no idea how many breakdowns I've had over the last 38 days but I know that this is the safest place to fall to pieces and there will be someone there to try to pick you up and give you hope that things can get better.
I have no idea how many of those 38 days my brain has been in conflict as I reflect on the past, present and future.
Due to a mix of things happening both on the outside and inside, I have now come to the conclusion that I have completely blown up most of my life and that I no longer have any clear idea of anything.
What I thought I knew had been thrown out the window and replaced with the dark reality that there is now a new tunnel but I cannot at the moment see any light at the end of it.
One thing I do know is that right now there are a lot of questions that have no adequate answer.
Who the hell am I as a person? What am I even doing with my life? Am I worthy of any good things to happen? Is my Autism/ADHD basically going to ruin any chance of me ever being fully happy? How the hell am I supposed to manage my anxiety/depression knowing that they are co-morbidities of Autism/ADHD? Will I ever be able to complete a uni course or am I going to end up with 2 incomplete degrees and $60k of debt for nothing?
I could continue on but here's the undeniable reality.
I'm 33 years old and I don't have a single clue of who I am, where I'm going and what is remotely possible. I don't know whether I'm destined to have mental health issues to varying degrees my whole life or whether I'll be in and out of clinics but I do know that the next little while is going to be the hardest.
I now know that I am anywhere between 7-14 days from leaving the clinic and the thought of that actually frightens me. It's almost like I am scared of the outside world and having to face it once again full-time isn't something that brings me much relish.
Right now though, I feel at my lowest point with the reality I've blown my life into pieces and as much as I could point to ADHD or point to Autism, or depression/anxiety, the reality is that at the end of the day, I f***ed it myself.
Sadly that realisation doesn't make the ascent out of this mental health crisis any easier.
Keep up to date with me as I try to journey out of this hell that my mental health has put me in.
If anyone is seeking mental health support, I urge you to call
Lifeline - 13 14 11
Beyond Blue Counsellor - 1300 22 4636
The CATT Team in your respective state
If anyone is in the depths of a mental health episode and they can get to the Emergency Department, I also urge you to consider that option though I acknowledge that option isn't easily accessible for everyone.
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